my car

my car got broken into on thursday night. they took most of the money that i have made this summer (it was meant to go to the bank but i didn't get a chance that day), my gps and my phone charger. i keep thinking about all of the things that i could have done differently so that there would have been a different outcome. but i didn't. and those things are gone. i feel violated and sad and frustrated. that money was supposed to pay for my two precious compassion kids for this year. and it was supposed to be the beginning of my savings for africa. and now i have to start over. since it happened, every time i sit in my car i feel nauseous. someone else has been in there. someone that i don't know. and they touched my things. and they took them. i work hard for my money. and yeah, i should not have waited that long to deposit the money in the bank. and yeah, i should not have left it in the center console overnight. but i am so anal about locking my car. and i was feeling so sick when i got home that night. i never even thought about it. it really really sucks. and i hope that whoever did it really needed that money.

i just want to go

i suddenly feel a sense of urgency about africa. and something tells me that i will not be content with my life here until i have done something about it. my eyes ache tonight from the tears that cannot fall for those around the world who do not have a home. and more importantly than even that, my heart hurts for those who do not know our Savior.

i am hurting because i know that it is not yet my time to go. and it is so hard for me to live in a place of waiting. i'm impatient. i know that there is a need and i want to do something about it. i'm frustrated. and i'm sad. because i want to be there. not here.

at this time in my life, i am having to focus a lot on myself and my future and, as often comes with that kind of internal focus, my past. it's exhausting. and i think that because of this intense, exhausting focus on myself, i feel like i NEED to be a part of something bigger than myself. and i wonder how that need fits in with this desire to be in africa.

i talk with my mom about it sometimes. she tells me that i've wanted to go to africa since i was 5. a few years ago, i was terrified that God might be preparing me to live abroad in a place of need. i wanted to graduate from college and teach sweet american children in an american school in my safe american home. not anymore. what i want more than anything is to get on an airplane with as few belongings as possible and get off in a place like uganda or ethiopia or burkina faso (where one of my precious, adored, wonderful compassion children lives) and figure it out when i get there. find a school. teach the children. visit their homes. go to church with them. and i know that this change of heart has had nothing to do with me.

so here i am. i know that i will go. i do not yet know how. or when. but i know that i will. and yesterday, i read in three places about how beautiful and difficult the waiting can be. that was from Him. i have no doubt. one post from holley, one post from ann, and one post from sweet chelsea.

i think that i'm doing all that i can from where i am. i'm having to change the way that i spend my money because each month, $76 are taken from my bank account in an attempt to change the lives of my two compassion children. i think about laeticia and taweesak in their homes in burkina faso and thailand and want to cry. my heart aches for them. they will never know how much i love them. and if i had more money, i would sponsor more in a heartbeat.

i think that the waiting will prove to be harder than the going. and that's okay. i know that there will be beauty in the waiting and that love will grow in the longing so that by the time it is time for me to go, i will be even more ready than i am tonight.

Hinds Feet on High Places

A long time ago, Erin let me borrow a book. It was about God and, at the time, I wanted nothing to do with the church at all. I read a few pages of the book and gave it back.

Over spring break, I visited Erin and Blair at Camp Eagle. While I was there, I started reading the book again. I really liked it a lot. It took me several pages to catch on to the writing, but once I did, I fell in love. I didn't get to finish it. When I got home, I went to Borders (which is going out of business and having MAJOR sales) to buy the book. I'm still reading it. I keep getting kind of discouraged. But let me tell you, this book is changing my life.

Here is my favorite quote from the book:

"'Much Afraid,' he said very gently in answer to that look, 'don't you know by now that I never think of you as you are now but as you will be when I have brought you to the Kingdom of Love and washed you from all the stains and defilements from this journey? If I come along behind you and notice that you are finding the way especially difficult, and are suffering from slips and falls, it only makes me think of what you will be like when you are with me, leaping and skipping on the High Places.'" -Hannah Hurnard, Hinds Feet on High Places (page 151)

Is that really how God looks at me? It seems so incredible, but I want to believe it! He is so awesome and mighty and loving. Whenever I get discouraged or make a mistake or slip up in my journey, I look back at this passage to remind myself how He sees me.

ETA: I finally finished the book and I can't wait to start it over. It's one of those, you know? The first time, I didn't annotate. This time I will. And I want to write down all of the beautiful things that the Shepherd says to Much Afraid throughout the book in my journal. Because it is so amazing. And that is all :)

Summer

You fill my days
with laughter
and sunshine
and so I love
you.
I love the
smell
of you,
the sunscreen and
chlorine and
coconut that fills the
air from late
May until August.
Our days
together
begin early. My
alarm
goes off too
soon. But
looking forward to a day full
of sun and the kids
and pool
makes getting up
much more manageable.
And summer?
You are bittersweet this
year.
This is the last time
we’ll meet
before I have to find a real
grown-up
job. I don’t want to
be a grown up, Summer.
I want to enjoy
you like this
forever.
But maybe I’ll find
that I like
you better
next year.

dance

i used to dance. did you know that? i danced from the time i was in third grade until i graduated from high school, with several breaks for various reasons. i was never good. and i'm not just saying that. i really was not ever good. i'm not light enough on my feet for the leaps and pirouettes, but my mind works in a way that's conducive to remembering combinations and the way my feet should move. still now, years after i've stopped dancing, my mind repeats the rhythms and combinations whenever i'm listening to music. it's not a conscious thing. but as i listen to music, i notice my toes moving. and then i hear it in my head. tombe, pas de bourree, glissade, jete, glissade, jete, sous sous, sote, tombe, pas de bourree. and i can remember the rhythm for every dance we ever learned. and they fit with every song i ever listen to. i see dances in my head when i listen to music. and i really really miss dancing. when i go home, i try to go see my old dance teachers. over christmas, i did a private lesson with one of them. and for 45 minutes, we laughed and danced and there was joy. i guess i still kind of dance.

my take

I'm not very good with words, but I have a definite opinion about what's happening on campus this week. I'm also not a very loud person, so this is the only place that my opinion is going to be heard. So I'm going to do my best to explain how I feel about all of this. Just stick with me :)

I have to say that I really have no problem with people wanting to share their stories. I think there is incredible power in being able to be open and honest with the things that we've experienced. I know that there are homosexual people that attend Harding University, just like I know that there are people who have sex with their heterosexual partners, those who choose to drink and do drugs, and those who struggle with gossip. Not one of these things is any worse than the other. I love it when people share their stories about their struggles. It brings people together. So the thought behind the zine sharing the stories of those at Harding who do struggle with homosexuality is completely legit. In fact, I think it's brilliant.

Here is where I have a problem. The stories were, in my opinion, unnecessarily profane. The images in the zine were of things that Harding makes a point to block from our internet access. Writers were taking the Lord's name in vain and, in fact, going so far as to essentially cuss Jesus out. I was uncomfortable reading several of the stories and was incredibly uncomfortable with the majority of the images within the zine. And so when I heard that Harding had blocked the website, I was not surprised...not because the content was unacceptable (as I said, I think the idea behind it was great), but because the way that they went about presenting the information was absolutely inappropriate. The language was vulgar and offensive. The images were unbelievably graphic. Anyone who thinks that the blocking of the website was strictly because of the fact that it was homosexual in nature is delusional. If a group of heterosexual people published something containing stories and images of the same magnitude, it would be blocked just as quickly.

Personally, I do not struggle with homosexuality, but I DO struggle with an incredible amount of things that are just as much of a sin, like lying, lust, gossip and judgement. I would NEVER claim that I was better than someone struggling with homosexuality. A sin is a sin is a sin is a sin. None is better or worse than another. Further, I am absolutely certain that Harding does not discriminate against homosexual acts. Students can not be kicked out of Harding for struggling with homosexuality. They CAN be kicked out for acting upon it. Page 11 in the handbook states that sexual immorality of ANY KIND is means for suspension. Homosexuality is one of those kinds. So is premarital sex, among many other things. If any student is caught engaged in an act of sexual immorality, they will be required to leave. So this thought that Harding is discriminating against homosexuals is absolutely false.

I can honestly say that I am proud of the way that Harding is handling this. It's disheartening to hear all of the backlash that the University is getting as a result. And that's all I have to say.

He's so good

"well, this is the address that i put into the gps. so assuming that i typed it in right, this is the house. but i'm not really sure."

"kevin. this is the right address! stop sitting here like a creep." i was. the silver car was taking up most of the road. it was angled towards the house, stopped so that i could see through the window.

"i see two girls in there. are there two girls?"

"like erin and her mom? i don't think there should be another girl here..."

"kevin, really. this is so weird. just park the car." and then she was there. stepping out the front door. walking towards my car. and i could have cried right then. i pulled the car into the driveway and opened the door. and then i was hugging her. it was so unreal.

it's amazing, the way that God works. earlier this week, i decided that i wanted to go to flower mound, texas this weekend to visit my aunt and my cousin. it was an open weekend and i haven't seen them in a few months. on friday, i was getting packed and ready to leave. i can't remember if i found it on facebook or on her blog. i saw somewhere that she was in dallas. or maybe she said denton. i can't remember now. but i knew she was close. so i sent her a message. and several hours later, i pulled up in front of her parents' house and got to hug her and talk with her and hear her voice and it was so great. it was so unexpected. we talked about gwen and her weekend with the hope mommies and school and stuff. and then the rest of her family got to the house and it was time for us to leave. we walked outside. she had my hope mommies shirt in her car, so we got it. and we hugged again for a long time and i told her some things and we both almost cried (okay fine. i forreal cried). it was so sweet to get to see my friend this weekend. God is so good to me.