regret

Regret is my biggest enemy. I don't know why it is that I can remember every single thing that I have ever done wrong in my entire life. In seventh grade, there was this boy that I liked. One day, I hugged him. The end. I can remember things as far back as second grade that embarrassed me. Things that I regret. And then there are the big ones. There are things that have happened in the past 12 months that I regret more than anything that has ever happened in my life. It's a constant nagging in my soul. A constant "told you so". So many people told me not to do it. I think I needed to in a way. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

The enemy knows that he can get me with regret. He knows that he can make my heart hurt with the things that I have said and done and thought. He uses it to get to me in the dark of night when my mind takes me back to those places. And on the nights when I'm alone in my room. And on the nights that one of the babies is sick. And on the nights that I'm lonely and sad. And on the nights that I'm scared to death about what comes next. And then someone will text me or I'll look up and see a picture of a friend who loves me or I'll happen to check a blog that speaks to me (which, by the way, was Ellyn's blog tonight. Wow). The enemy cannot defeat me. He knows how to get me, but I'm cherished by a God more powerful than him. He knows where I hurt, but it doesn't matter, because so does my Jesus. My Jesus died on a cross for me. He died on a cross for my pain and my sin. Mine. And there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to take that away. So no matter how much it hurts to be reminded of the things that I regret, it's a million times better to be reminded that I've been forgiven for them by my Creator. Take that.