regret

Regret is my biggest enemy. I don't know why it is that I can remember every single thing that I have ever done wrong in my entire life. In seventh grade, there was this boy that I liked. One day, I hugged him. The end. I can remember things as far back as second grade that embarrassed me. Things that I regret. And then there are the big ones. There are things that have happened in the past 12 months that I regret more than anything that has ever happened in my life. It's a constant nagging in my soul. A constant "told you so". So many people told me not to do it. I think I needed to in a way. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

The enemy knows that he can get me with regret. He knows that he can make my heart hurt with the things that I have said and done and thought. He uses it to get to me in the dark of night when my mind takes me back to those places. And on the nights when I'm alone in my room. And on the nights that one of the babies is sick. And on the nights that I'm lonely and sad. And on the nights that I'm scared to death about what comes next. And then someone will text me or I'll look up and see a picture of a friend who loves me or I'll happen to check a blog that speaks to me (which, by the way, was Ellyn's blog tonight. Wow). The enemy cannot defeat me. He knows how to get me, but I'm cherished by a God more powerful than him. He knows where I hurt, but it doesn't matter, because so does my Jesus. My Jesus died on a cross for me. He died on a cross for my pain and my sin. Mine. And there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to take that away. So no matter how much it hurts to be reminded of the things that I regret, it's a million times better to be reminded that I've been forgiven for them by my Creator. Take that.

Jesus lives in scotland

We had a four hour drive today from York to Scotland. I slept for a while and woke up when we crossed the border. I had my iPod in and just watched out the window as we drove through the incredibly green country. I was overwhelmed. The beauty and simplicity of the landscape was beyond words. I couldn't stop thinking about what Angie Smith (yeah, I read her blog a lot) said when she was in Ireland. As she admired the incredibly vibrant green of the land, she heard God speak. "It takes a lot of rain to make grass this green." Those words were so significant to her as she went through what she did with Audrey and, when I read them the first time, I realized how significant they are for me, too. There has been a lot of rain in my life. More than I would have liked there to have been. I looked out the window today and the greenest green I have ever seen and was reminded of those words. I was struck with this thought, an epiphany maybe, clarity for sure. I am so burdened by this sin. It hurts me and it haunts me and I can't stop thinking about it and dwelling on it, but the God of this universe has already forgiven it. It has no power over me. He isn't holding it over my head. He didn't think twice about it. When I asked Him for forgiveness, He gave it. No question. And if He can forgive me for it, why am I still GIVING it power? Seriously. I don't know why it hit me at that moment, on that loud, crazy bus, but I am so grateful that it did. And then Beautiful Lord came on and I lost it. Cried. On the bus. Oh it just felt so good to be able to cry and pray and thank Him for reminding me that the power that this sin is holding over me is power that I am giving it. I think He might be sad that I am still hurting. I think He might be disappointed that I'm still dwelling on it. But I know that He is there. He's been there all along, hasn't He? Scotland, I love you for so many reasons. You are beautiful and peaceful and incredible. And you brought me back to the One who's been waiting for too long.

When the storm is raging all around me
You are the peace that calms
My troubled sea
And the cares of this world
Darken my day
You are the light that shines
And shows me the way

Oh, the beauty of Your majesty
On the cross You showed Your love for me!

Beautiful Lord
Awesome and mighty
I’m captured by this love I see
Beautiful Lord
Tender and holy
Your mercy brings me to my knees
It’s Your mercy that has made me free
Beautiful Lord

When my sin is all that I can see
Your grace remains the shelter that I seek
And when my weakness is all I can give
Your gentle Spirit gives me strength again
And oh, the beauty of Your majesty
On the cross You showed Your love for me

Beautiful Lord
Awesome and mighty
I’m captured by this love I see
Beautiful Lord
Tender and holy
Your mercy brings me to my knees
It’s Your mercy that has made me free
Beautiful Lord

And I am lifted by Your love to sing!
It’s Your mercy that has made me free!
And I am lifted by Your love to sing!
It’s Your mercy that has made me free!

Oh, the beauty of Your majesty
On the cross You showed Your love for me!

Beautiful Lord
Awesome and mighty
I’m captured by this love I see
Beautiful Lord
Tender and holy
Your mercy brings me to my knees
It’s Your mercy that has made me free
Beautiful Lord

You’re beautiful, my Lord
You’re beautiful, my Lord