tuesday

For the past 72 hours, my heart has been calm. I have been overwhelmed with a peace that I can't understand. On Tuesday night, I was invited to The Exchange. I really don't even know how to describe it other than beautiful worship. I felt Jesus like I have never felt Him before. I walked through the door into a barely-lit room full of believers. I got chills. Before anything happened, I had goosebumps. And then we started singing. We sang beautiful, passionate songs. With tears in my eyes and raised hands, I praised my Jesus. Determined to hold it together, I stood quietly for a minute. We sang "How Great is Our God". I gave up. I was overcome with Jesus. I cried. The tears of rejection and worthlessness and loneliness ran hot down my cheeks. They fell to the floor. And so did the anxiety. I have never in my life worshipped like I did on Tuesday night. I have never known Jesus to be so real as I did in that place. We were free to sing and pray and praise however God asked us to. It was absolutely incredible. He was there. I felt Him. I begged him to help me remember the way that it felt to be in His presence. And He has.

After Tuesday night, I was convinced that this week was going to be rough. Satan is dumb. He likes to strike when we're ahead. And I was feeling great. I woke up yesterday morning with a feeling of calm. I was overwhelmed with peace. I looked at him, stared at him really, and felt nothing. My conversations with people were meaningful. I was calm. My attitude was great. I was happy and absolutely content.

Today, it is more of the same. I have been finding passages in my Bible that speak to me. Psalm 91, Psalm 18, Ephesians 6. Every time I open my Bible, God is revealing His love and promises for me. I am overwhelmed with Him. My journal entries for this week have been happy and refreshing. I have found it easier to pray to Him and ask Him to guide me. On Tuesday night, I begged Him to teach me to trust Him. I begged Him to remind me that He loves me regardless of the things in my past. He has been. This week has been incredible. After the frustration and loneliness of last week, this is exactly what my spirit needed.

truth

Truth: The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. he will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing. -Zephaniah 3:17

Truth: Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. -Psalm 126:5

Truth: I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow. - Jeremiah 31:13b

Truth: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness! -Lamentations 3:22-23

Truth: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. -Proverbs 4:23

Truth: Now glory be to God, who by this mighty power at work within you is able to do far more than you would ever dare ask or even dream of. Infinitely beyond your highest prayers, desires, thoughts or hope. -Ephesians 3:20-21

Truth: He has made everything beautiful in its time -Ecclesiastes 3:11

Truth: We also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, becaue God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us. -Romans 5:3-5

Truth: But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:31

Truth: Apart from me, you can do nothing. -John 15:5

Truth: Savior, He can move the mountains. -Mighty to Save by Hillsong

Truth: Please be still and know that I Am God. -Peace be Still by Rush of Fools

Truth: You have calmed greater waters. Higher mountains have come down. -The Valley Song by Jars of Clay

Truth: My sin, not in part but the whole, was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh my soul! -It Is Well With My Soul by Horatio Spafford

Truth: And He will fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy! -Job 8:21

project

I'm working on a project. I like it a lot. We'll call it my truth journal. Really, it's a journal of truth and lies, but the truth is all that matters. Anyway, I got the idea from my conversations with a woman that I love. For me, it's about being proactive. It's good for me to be able to open a journal and see the lies that I've been told and believed. So here's the process:

1) Pray. I open my heart to God and ask Him to reveal to me where I've allowed Satan's voice to creep in more loudly than His. This is a very important first step.

2) Write the word "lie". I write it five times on my page. I skip a few lines in between, but I always do five at a time. Sometimes, it's a struggle to come up with five. Sometimes, my heart is overflowing with the identification of lies that I've been told. Of course, if I'm writing and God has put more than five lies on my heart, I will write them all.

3) Start at the top. I write down the lies that God shows me. Sometimes they surprise me. Sometimes they seem too obvious. But I write everything that is put on my heart.

4) Reflect. I look back on the things that have been revealed to me. I pray over each one and ask God to remove the lies from my thoughts. I ask Him to help me identify when I'm giving into the lies.

5) Find the truth. I open His word. Sometimes, this part of the process doesn't come until later. I have entire pages filled with scripture. I write the promises that He has given me. Sometimes, the truth is a direct contradiction to one of my lies. In that case, I write it on the same page. It's comforting to know that when I'm starting to believe one of the lies, I can open my journal and find God's truth for my life.

This has been one of the most powerful exercises I have ever done. I try to find the time to write some every day. Sometimes they're lies that seem so obvious and small, but if Satan can use it to pull the darkness around me again, I want them on paper. I'm loving my truth journal and the fact that it gets me in my Bible every day. It's an awesome long-term project. I can't wait to see where God takes this!

thankful

I am so thankful for the people that God has put in my life. I am blessed to have professors and friends who really actually care about me. It's new. I like it. There are people here who know me. They allow me to be honest about the way that I'm feeling even if it doesn't make sense. I know that it doesn't make sense that I still want attention from him. It doesn't matter here. There are people here who love me and tell me that they do. I think that's the biggest thing. My friends at home never tell me that they love me. And that's fine. Sometimes they show me that they love me. But my friends here tell me every time we talk. They hug me. A lot. They're patient and understanding. It's all new. They tell me I'm pretty. They pray for me. I have healthy relationships for the first time in my life and I love it. I'm thankful for them.

I am so thankful for the experiences that God has given me. He brought me to Harding. I know a lot of people may not be able to understand. All they see is the curfew and dress code and chapel requirements, but they don't understand how important Harding is to me. I complain about it sometimes, but I love it more than I could ever express. It's normal for me to go out on the front lawn and read my Bible. It's normal for me to tell my friends that I'm praying for them. God has blessed me with the opportunity to grow. He has blessed me with the opportunity to learn to be content. He has blessed me with the opportunity to be hurt and to bounce back with the help of my friends. He has allowed me to see how important other people are in the healing process. He allowed me to travel to London this summer where I was blessed to be surrounded by some of the most important people in my life. Whether they know it or not, their continued love and patience has blessed me beyond belief.

I am thankful that I don't know what dorm he lives in or when he has classes. I'm thankful that I only ever have to see him at soccer games and football games. I'm thankful that my friends are understanding and don't mind when I talk about him.

I'm thankful for the dorm that I live in. I love my room. It's comfortable and already feels like home. I have covered the walls in His word, pictures of family and friends and postcards from my dad. I love my RA. I love my dorm mom. I am so blessed by both of them. God knew what he was doing when he put me here. I want to live in Kendall forever. I am so thankful for that.

I am thankful for the life that I'm living even if I'm not always happy with it. I'm learning to be content with the situations that God gives me. I get frustrated sometimes when things don't go the way I want them to, but He is showing me that He remains in control. I'm thankful that He is.

regret

Regret is my biggest enemy. I don't know why it is that I can remember every single thing that I have ever done wrong in my entire life. In seventh grade, there was this boy that I liked. One day, I hugged him. The end. I can remember things as far back as second grade that embarrassed me. Things that I regret. And then there are the big ones. There are things that have happened in the past 12 months that I regret more than anything that has ever happened in my life. It's a constant nagging in my soul. A constant "told you so". So many people told me not to do it. I think I needed to in a way. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

The enemy knows that he can get me with regret. He knows that he can make my heart hurt with the things that I have said and done and thought. He uses it to get to me in the dark of night when my mind takes me back to those places. And on the nights when I'm alone in my room. And on the nights that one of the babies is sick. And on the nights that I'm lonely and sad. And on the nights that I'm scared to death about what comes next. And then someone will text me or I'll look up and see a picture of a friend who loves me or I'll happen to check a blog that speaks to me (which, by the way, was Ellyn's blog tonight. Wow). The enemy cannot defeat me. He knows how to get me, but I'm cherished by a God more powerful than him. He knows where I hurt, but it doesn't matter, because so does my Jesus. My Jesus died on a cross for me. He died on a cross for my pain and my sin. Mine. And there is absolutely nothing that anyone can do to take that away. So no matter how much it hurts to be reminded of the things that I regret, it's a million times better to be reminded that I've been forgiven for them by my Creator. Take that.

enough

I couldn't begin to count the number of times in my life when I have felt or been told that I was not good enough. Dance classes, soccer and basketball games, the cafeteria at school, church, graduation day, the dorms, chapel, Bible classes, and other every day events. I don't know where this feeling came from. I've spent enough time in therapy over the years to be aware that everything I feel and believe now came from a comment or experience from my past. But that's not important here.

"By the grace of God, I am what I am" - 1 Corinthians 15:10

But am I good enough? I've always struggled with feelings of inferiority. I'll never be as skinny or pretty as the girl next to me. I'll never be able to paint or sing or dance as well as someone else. I'm constantly comparing myself to others. I'm conscious of what others are thinking about me. And in my head, it's always negative. My friends never want me around. Boys think I'm fat and ugly. The adults at church know I'm not "good enough" to be there.

I find value in negative situations because it makes me feel good enough. And I know that is ridiculous.

This morning in the devotional, we sang Here In This Place. I love that song. I don't know if I loved it before this morning, but I love it now.

Lay your burdens down

Every care you carry,

And come to the table of grace,

For there is mercy.

Come just as you are,

We are all unworthy

To enter the presence of God

For He is Holy.

Lift up your heart, lift up your hands

Fall on your knees and pray,

For the King of kings and the love He brings

Is here in this place.

We raise our voices, raise our song,

We offer Him out praise

For the King of kings and the joy He brings

Is here, He is here in this place.

Isn't that awesome? I love it. Two sweet women that I appreciate and love have gently reminded me recently that we're not good enough. We're not good enough for God to love or even look at. But the grace of the blood of Jesus Christ on the cross covers us. So maybe I'm not pretty enough or skinny enough. And maybe my dancing will never make anyone happy besides myself. And that's okay. Because the blood of my Savior covers me. And His Spirit fills me. And that is good enough.

running

The more that I think about it, the more ironic it becomes that I've started running this summer. It's not necessarily ironic in the haha that's funny kind of way. It's more of an I run away from everything but this time I can't so I'm actually physically running kind of way. I have a history of running away when things get tough. I've decided more than once that it was easier to stop talking to someone than to work through things with them. I run away from difficult situations. I run from awkward situations. I always run away. And this time, I would love to run away more than anything else. But I can't. Because that would mean transferring...an idea that I am not particularly fond of. I'm finally content with where I am (see this post) and I hate the thought of giving it all up because of it. This is one thing that I can't run away from. It's making me physically sick to think about what will happen when the encounter actually occurs. I can't breathe. I get nauseous. I want to run away more than anything else. But running away this time would mean giving up everything else. So I run. Physically run. This summer, I started running. This summer, when it became apparent to me that I would have to face one of the most difficult challenges thus far, I started running. My feet pound on the treadmill. I can't run fast enough to get away from the thoughts swirling in my mind. I run fast but go nowhere. I cant run away, and so I run. Ironic.