heart

I wrote this post over Christmas Break. Clearly, the situation was different. It's now more like 3 months until I'll be able to return, but the sentiment is the same. I don't think I've ever posted this, so I will today. It's not necessarily relevant tonight, but it has been over the past few weeks. The hurting heart. The remembering.

My heart hurts tonight with memory. It happens sometimes. I'm struck with the memories of loneliness and hurt from high school. Then those winter nights last year alone in my dorm room with thoughts running through my mind that scared me and no one to go to about them. Then the thoughts that led to actions and the consistent repercussions this year. And my heart is heavy with the remembering.

Every thought that runs through my mind tonight is cut short by a promise from Him. "Lay your burdens down, every care you carry and come to the table of grace for there is mercy", "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest", "Child, you're forgiven and loved". This is new. He's granting me reprieve from destructive thoughts and habits. This has never happened before.

As I struggle to process the enormity of what I'm putting myself through, I continue to sabotage relationships. I make decisions about who can know some and who can know nothing and people get angry. I don't know what I hope to gain from it, but I know that it cannot continue. Sleep will be a long time coming as my mind races and heart aches for some semblance of normality. I miss the routine of school. I miss the expectations and the laughter. I miss the friendship and the hugs. I even miss the disappointment, a sure sign that my friends love and care about me. I'd take disappointment over this pure aloneness any day.

On nights like tonight, I slide a DVD into the side of my laptop and keep my eyes open as long as possible, for I know that when I shut them, my mind will take me to places I'd rather not go. I can take a heart heavy with memory more readily than a mind that traps me there. I think the next three weeks will creep by before I return to the life I'm comfortable with. The mistakes and the love and the disappointment and the forgiveness. The normalcy of my college life. I'm reminded so often when I'm home how vastly different it is from other schools. My friends pray for each other and sing songs about Jesus. We read our Bibles together in the library and Christmas gifts are painted canvas with favorite verses. I have never been so thankful that God led me to Harding than when I'm away.

"...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience... let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who is promised is faithful." -Hebrews 10:22-23

why i hate weekends

I hate weekends. Friday rolls around and I have a hard time tearing my eyes away from the clock. At 3:30, the kids bolt out the door, ecstatic to be free for 48 WHOLE HOURS! The teachers are happy to be away from the munchkins for 48 WHOLE HOURS! Me? Not so much.

My best friends are 600 miles away. (I know, I know. I complain about that a lot, but bear with me. This is a legit argument.) *Ahem* My best friends are 600 miles away. So what exactly am I supposed to do for 48 WHOLE HOURS! without the distraction of the precious little ones who give me hugs and draw me pictures and miss me when I leave the room? I don't get to be Miss Vick for 48 WHOLE HOURS! and I miss it. I miss the laughter at the inappropriate things that the kids write and draw in their infinite innocence. I miss their inventive spelling and their tiny hands gripping pencils and crayons. I miss their grins and silly faces when we make eye contact during the day. I miss their speech impediments that make every word that comes out of their mouth strangely hilarious.

I'll tell you what I do for the 48 WHOLE HOURS! that I'm away from my little friends. I take lots of naps. I watch lots of tv. I grade papers when I'm lucky. Sometimes I bake. Basically, I do anything I can think of to distract myself from the clock (which moves too quickly on Fridays and not at all during the 48 WHOLE HOURS! that I'm away from school).

And then it's Monday again. My alarm goes off at 7:12, and I roll out of bed. By 8:00, I'm at school and, when the bell rings at 8:50, the halls are once again flooded with laughter and chatter and the tiny little people that bring the school to life. Kids pour into room 5, rested and ready to work. I get hugs, hear stories, and am usually sick of hearing "Miss Vick" by the end of the day, but I wouldn't trade Monday for a Friday any day. For the first time in my LIFE, I hate weekends and love Mondays. When did that happen? :)

excitement

Let me just tell you a little bit about my weekend.

Best. Weekend. Of. My. Life. Since. January.

It was amazing. First, we flew down to my gparents house. We had decided on like, Thursday that I was going to get to go see the girls in Spring Sing. Emily knew. No one else did. SO FUN!

So we got to my grandparents house on Thursday night. Friday, we worked on cleaning the refrigerator (I know, riveting...). Then, at about 4, we left for Searcy. I thought I was going to throw up, I was so excited.

On the way there, I texted two of my friends to let them know I was coming. One (Julya) was my RA last year. She recently got engaged, and I love her, so I needed to see her. Duh. The other (Ashley) was a girl that I love so so much. She has been such a blessing to me since I got home. She wasn't in Spring Sing so if I hadn't told her I was coming, I wouldn't have gotten to see her. Not okay. My mom went and picked up Mi Pueblito (AKA my favorite Mexican restaurant in Searcy) for dinner and we ate it in the car. I had chicken nachos. OH MY WORD. So good.

After we ate, we headed over to the Benson for the show. On the way, I ran into one of my very favorite friends Carmen. She is seriously FANTASTIC. It was completely random. She was walking out of the dorm as I was walking by and I could have cried. It was so exciting. I also got to hug my dorm mom. The little ones had been throwing up, which made me sad because I didn't want to get too close, but it was great to see them, nonetheless.

We got to the Benson, got our tickets and sat down. I told Ashley that I thought the girls would be finished about 7:30. The show started and I almost cried. Legitimately. I was shaking. My mom was basically holding me down. It was the first time I had been on campus period since February, so all of those emotions, plus the fact that I was about to see and hug ALL of my best friends, were almost too much. One of my wonderful friends Nate was a host this year, so I got to hear him sing. Goodness, this boy is fantastic. Forrealz. I love him. Anyway, the first show was the bees. They did a good job and I could pick out the few people that I knew in it. That was really fun. We were the second show. The guy next to me was scooting away from me as far as he could get because I was singing and dancing along and could NOT sit still. I was so proud of the girls.

As soon as the lights went down, I jumped across the four people next to me, stepping on toes and sitting on laps. I made it out of the aisle and RAN out of the auditorium. I stopped long enough to hug Ashley, who was waiting in the lobby, and flew down the steps to the fountain. Emily knew that's where I was going to be, so she pushed her way out of the Benson and ran to me. Once the other girls realized I was there, they ran, too. It was so much fun. It was so exciting to get to see and hug everyone and the fact that they were surprised made it FIVE HUNDRED times better. Oh, it was great. I was literally on campus for three hours. I only saw the people I ran into. It was such a blast.

We're skipping Saturday because I don't remember what happened.

Then Sunday. It was Easter, duh, so we went to church. After church, Emily was coming over to meet us and spend the day. My dad and I left church and drove to the gas station to meet her. I wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of dizzy and light-headed. I thought I maybe needed some sugar, so I asked my dad for a few dollars to get a soda. I got out of the car and my eyes started getting fuzzy and black. I made it all the way to the side of the gas station, which I ran in to because I couldn't see anything. A man asked if I was okay. I wasn't. I told him I couldn't see and asked him to help me get to a bench. He tried to help me. At some point, I heard my dad yell my name, but I'm not sure whether that was before or after I passed out. The man caught me before I hit the ground.

I woke up and couldn't open my eyes. My dad was next to me. He got me into a sitting position and was trying to get me to stand, but I still couldn't see. I told him I needed to lay down but he said the ground was dirty, so I just sat with my head on my knees. I could hear people talking around me. I knew they were calling for help, but I couldn't respond. A few minutes later, I could open my eyes and I made it into the gas station. By the time I got inside, the volunteer paramedics were there. They took my vitals and everything seemed okay. Apparently someone called 911, too because a few minutes later, an ambulance showed up. They checked all the same things and came to the same conclusion: my blood pressure was a little low, but it's normal for girls my age. Emily showed up while the paramedics were checking me out. Bless her heart. They wanted me to go to the hospital but my best friend had just gotten there and it was Easter. Heck. No.

My very first fainting experience was quite exciting, let me tell you. My entire weekend was SERIOUSLY exciting. Bah. I love these girls.