June 16, 2011

i just want to go

i suddenly feel a sense of urgency about africa. and something tells me that i will not be content with my life here until i have done something about it. my eyes ache tonight from the tears that cannot fall for those around the world who do not have a home. and more importantly than even that, my heart hurts for those who do not know our Savior.

i am hurting because i know that it is not yet my time to go. and it is so hard for me to live in a place of waiting. i'm impatient. i know that there is a need and i want to do something about it. i'm frustrated. and i'm sad. because i want to be there. not here.

at this time in my life, i am having to focus a lot on myself and my future and, as often comes with that kind of internal focus, my past. it's exhausting. and i think that because of this intense, exhausting focus on myself, i feel like i NEED to be a part of something bigger than myself. and i wonder how that need fits in with this desire to be in africa.

i talk with my mom about it sometimes. she tells me that i've wanted to go to africa since i was 5. a few years ago, i was terrified that God might be preparing me to live abroad in a place of need. i wanted to graduate from college and teach sweet american children in an american school in my safe american home. not anymore. what i want more than anything is to get on an airplane with as few belongings as possible and get off in a place like uganda or ethiopia or burkina faso (where one of my precious, adored, wonderful compassion children lives) and figure it out when i get there. find a school. teach the children. visit their homes. go to church with them. and i know that this change of heart has had nothing to do with me.

so here i am. i know that i will go. i do not yet know how. or when. but i know that i will. and yesterday, i read in three places about how beautiful and difficult the waiting can be. that was from Him. i have no doubt. one post from holley, one post from ann, and one post from sweet chelsea.

i think that i'm doing all that i can from where i am. i'm having to change the way that i spend my money because each month, $76 are taken from my bank account in an attempt to change the lives of my two compassion children. i think about laeticia and taweesak in their homes in burkina faso and thailand and want to cry. my heart aches for them. they will never know how much i love them. and if i had more money, i would sponsor more in a heartbeat.

i think that the waiting will prove to be harder than the going. and that's okay. i know that there will be beauty in the waiting and that love will grow in the longing so that by the time it is time for me to go, i will be even more ready than i am tonight.