June 16, 2011

i just want to go

i suddenly feel a sense of urgency about africa. and something tells me that i will not be content with my life here until i have done something about it. my eyes ache tonight from the tears that cannot fall for those around the world who do not have a home. and more importantly than even that, my heart hurts for those who do not know our Savior.

i am hurting because i know that it is not yet my time to go. and it is so hard for me to live in a place of waiting. i'm impatient. i know that there is a need and i want to do something about it. i'm frustrated. and i'm sad. because i want to be there. not here.

at this time in my life, i am having to focus a lot on myself and my future and, as often comes with that kind of internal focus, my past. it's exhausting. and i think that because of this intense, exhausting focus on myself, i feel like i NEED to be a part of something bigger than myself. and i wonder how that need fits in with this desire to be in africa.

i talk with my mom about it sometimes. she tells me that i've wanted to go to africa since i was 5. a few years ago, i was terrified that God might be preparing me to live abroad in a place of need. i wanted to graduate from college and teach sweet american children in an american school in my safe american home. not anymore. what i want more than anything is to get on an airplane with as few belongings as possible and get off in a place like uganda or ethiopia or burkina faso (where one of my precious, adored, wonderful compassion children lives) and figure it out when i get there. find a school. teach the children. visit their homes. go to church with them. and i know that this change of heart has had nothing to do with me.

so here i am. i know that i will go. i do not yet know how. or when. but i know that i will. and yesterday, i read in three places about how beautiful and difficult the waiting can be. that was from Him. i have no doubt. one post from holley, one post from ann, and one post from sweet chelsea.

i think that i'm doing all that i can from where i am. i'm having to change the way that i spend my money because each month, $76 are taken from my bank account in an attempt to change the lives of my two compassion children. i think about laeticia and taweesak in their homes in burkina faso and thailand and want to cry. my heart aches for them. they will never know how much i love them. and if i had more money, i would sponsor more in a heartbeat.

i think that the waiting will prove to be harder than the going. and that's okay. i know that there will be beauty in the waiting and that love will grow in the longing so that by the time it is time for me to go, i will be even more ready than i am tonight.

1 comment:

Morgan said...

Katie, this is just exactly what I needed to read tonight. I, too, have been playing the waiting game lately. I want big things, and I know in my heart that they will happen, but I don't know when. Until then, I have to wait and I am not good at waiting. I never have been. And so I'm telling myself that if nothing more, at least this will teach me how to be more patient. That and probably so much more. All this week, I've been trying to remind myself that there is beauty in the waiting. Like I said, I really needed to read this tonight.

And give yourself some credit, too. Your change of heart is, without a doubt, due in great part to God, but you must have had to do some work to get to where you are today. Over the past few years, you could have made different choices that might have led you to a very different place from the one you're in today. You are a wonderful person, and you are so strong. I know that God wants for you to see that.