June 17, 2010

still good

it still amazes me how great God is.
isn't that sad?
after everything that's happened, He
still manages to surprise me.
and then other times...
other times i can't imagine
that the things that happened really did.
watch it.
i made it through the whole thing
with tears in my eyes and none on my cheeks...
until the very end.
"if God chooses to heal
me, then God is God, and God
is good.
if God chooses not
to heal me,
then God is
still God, and God is
still good."
and then i lost it.
so beautiful, those words.
but do i believe them? if God
chooses to point me in the right direction, chooses
to send me a letter spelling out
exactly what my life should look like for the next
few years, the God is God, and God
is good.
but what if He doesn't? is
God still God? is God still
i'm in a place of uncertainty right now.
it scares me more than
i would care to admit.
because i do believe that God is God
and that God is good regardless of whether or not He
paints me His answer in the sky. so
where is this fear
coming from?
i am so scared. i am so
i don't like to make decisions like this because i
don't trust myself to make them.
what if i make the wrong decision?
it's easily fixable...after
a whole semester.
i just don't know
what to expect. i don't know
what it's going to be like. i don't know
how i am going to be able to merge my old life with
my new one...my past with my
present...my semester the way that it was "supposed
to be" and my semester the way that
i wouldn't trade for anything.
i've learned
so much
and changed
so much.
how am i going to fit back in
to my old life as
the new me?
friendships are going to change. i
know that. and it scares me.
i am so thankful for the ways that God
provides, though.
He's provided a new group of women at home
that support me and hug me
and pray with and
for me.
He's provided a vacation at the
most perfect time (which felt like the worst
possible time about a month ago).
and here i am.
i'm still unsure.
so very unsure.
i'm angry and frustrated after the
conversation i tried
to have the other
sometimes i'm struck by this incredible
feeling of disbelief over everything that's happened over
the past
and last night.
i fell asleep
on the couch
with tears in my eyes
as the sounds of my friends' voices echoed
in the room...so thankful
that i thought to record some
of our laughter and
precious moments
i'm still hurt by so much.
and i'm still in this place
of uncertainty
where i feel so overwhelmed and
incapable of making
any semblance of a decision.
but the beauty of it all is that
God is still God
God is still good.