still good

it still amazes me how great God is.

isn't that sad?

after everything that's happened, He

still manages to surprise me.

how?

and then other times...

other times i can't imagine

that the things that happened really did.

i watched the video of zac smith.

watch it.

i made it through the whole thing

with tears in my eyes and none on my cheeks...

until the very end.

"if God chooses to heal

me, then God is God, and God

is good.

if God chooses not

to heal me,

then God is

still God, and God is

still good."

and then i lost it.

so beautiful, those words.

but do i believe them? if God

chooses to point me in the right direction, chooses

to send me a letter spelling out

exactly what my life should look like for the next

few years, the God is God, and God

is good.

but what if He doesn't? is

God still God? is God still

good?

i'm in a place of uncertainty right now.

it scares me more than

i would care to admit.

because i do believe that God is God

and that God is good regardless of whether or not He

paints me His answer in the sky. so

where is this fear

coming from?

i am so scared. i am so

stressed.

i don't like to make decisions like this because i

don't trust myself to make them.

what if i make the wrong decision?

it's easily fixable...after

a whole semester.

i just don't know

what to expect. i don't know

what it's going to be like. i don't know

how i am going to be able to merge my old life with

my new one...my past with my

present...my semester the way that it was "supposed

to be" and my semester the way that

i wouldn't trade for anything.

i've learned

so much

and changed

so much.

how am i going to fit back in

to my old life as

the new me?

friendships are going to change. i

know that. and it scares me.

i am so thankful for the ways that God

provides, though.

He's provided a new group of women at home

that support me and hug me

and pray with and

for me.

He's provided a vacation at the

most perfect time (which felt like the worst

possible time about a month ago).

and here i am.

hawaii.

breathtaking.

i'm still unsure.

so very unsure.

i'm angry and frustrated after the

conversation i tried

to have the other

day.

sometimes i'm struck by this incredible

feeling of disbelief over everything that's happened over

the past

three

months.

and last night.

i fell asleep

on the couch

with tears in my eyes

as the sounds of my friends' voices echoed

in the room...so thankful

that i thought to record some

of our laughter and

precious moments

together.

i'm still hurt by so much.

and i'm still in this place

of uncertainty

where i feel so overwhelmed and

incapable of making

any semblance of a decision.

but the beauty of it all is that

God is still God

and

God is still good.