October 1, 2009


For the past 72 hours, my heart has been calm. I have been overwhelmed with a peace that I can't understand. On Tuesday night, I was invited to The Exchange. I really don't even know how to describe it other than beautiful worship. I felt Jesus like I have never felt Him before. I walked through the door into a barely-lit room full of believers. I got chills. Before anything happened, I had goosebumps. And then we started singing. We sang beautiful, passionate songs. With tears in my eyes and raised hands, I praised my Jesus. Determined to hold it together, I stood quietly for a minute. We sang "How Great is Our God". I gave up. I was overcome with Jesus. I cried. The tears of rejection and worthlessness and loneliness ran hot down my cheeks. They fell to the floor. And so did the anxiety. I have never in my life worshipped like I did on Tuesday night. I have never known Jesus to be so real as I did in that place. We were free to sing and pray and praise however God asked us to. It was absolutely incredible. He was there. I felt Him. I begged him to help me remember the way that it felt to be in His presence. And He has.

After Tuesday night, I was convinced that this week was going to be rough. Satan is dumb. He likes to strike when we're ahead. And I was feeling great. I woke up yesterday morning with a feeling of calm. I was overwhelmed with peace. I looked at him, stared at him really, and felt nothing. My conversations with people were meaningful. I was calm. My attitude was great. I was happy and absolutely content.

Today, it is more of the same. I have been finding passages in my Bible that speak to me. Psalm 91, Psalm 18, Ephesians 6. Every time I open my Bible, God is revealing His love and promises for me. I am overwhelmed with Him. My journal entries for this week have been happy and refreshing. I have found it easier to pray to Him and ask Him to guide me. On Tuesday night, I begged Him to teach me to trust Him. I begged Him to remind me that He loves me regardless of the things in my past. He has been. This week has been incredible. After the frustration and loneliness of last week, this is exactly what my spirit needed.

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