Hinds Feet on High Places

A long time ago, Erin let me borrow a book. It was about God and, at the time, I wanted nothing to do with the church at all. I read a few pages of the book and gave it back.

Over spring break, I visited Erin and Blair at Camp Eagle. While I was there, I started reading the book again. I really liked it a lot. It took me several pages to catch on to the writing, but once I did, I fell in love. I didn't get to finish it. When I got home, I went to Borders (which is going out of business and having MAJOR sales) to buy the book. I'm still reading it. I keep getting kind of discouraged. But let me tell you, this book is changing my life.

Here is my favorite quote from the book:

"'Much Afraid,' he said very gently in answer to that look, 'don't you know by now that I never think of you as you are now but as you will be when I have brought you to the Kingdom of Love and washed you from all the stains and defilements from this journey? If I come along behind you and notice that you are finding the way especially difficult, and are suffering from slips and falls, it only makes me think of what you will be like when you are with me, leaping and skipping on the High Places.'" -Hannah Hurnard, Hinds Feet on High Places (page 151)

Is that really how God looks at me? It seems so incredible, but I want to believe it! He is so awesome and mighty and loving. Whenever I get discouraged or make a mistake or slip up in my journey, I look back at this passage to remind myself how He sees me.

ETA: I finally finished the book and I can't wait to start it over. It's one of those, you know? The first time, I didn't annotate. This time I will. And I want to write down all of the beautiful things that the Shepherd says to Much Afraid throughout the book in my journal. Because it is so amazing. And that is all :)

Summer

You fill my days
with laughter
and sunshine
and so I love
you.
I love the
smell
of you,
the sunscreen and
chlorine and
coconut that fills the
air from late
May until August.
Our days
together
begin early. My
alarm
goes off too
soon. But
looking forward to a day full
of sun and the kids
and pool
makes getting up
much more manageable.
And summer?
You are bittersweet this
year.
This is the last time
we’ll meet
before I have to find a real
grown-up
job. I don’t want to
be a grown up, Summer.
I want to enjoy
you like this
forever.
But maybe I’ll find
that I like
you better
next year.

dance

i used to dance. did you know that? i danced from the time i was in third grade until i graduated from high school, with several breaks for various reasons. i was never good. and i'm not just saying that. i really was not ever good. i'm not light enough on my feet for the leaps and pirouettes, but my mind works in a way that's conducive to remembering combinations and the way my feet should move. still now, years after i've stopped dancing, my mind repeats the rhythms and combinations whenever i'm listening to music. it's not a conscious thing. but as i listen to music, i notice my toes moving. and then i hear it in my head. tombe, pas de bourree, glissade, jete, glissade, jete, sous sous, sote, tombe, pas de bourree. and i can remember the rhythm for every dance we ever learned. and they fit with every song i ever listen to. i see dances in my head when i listen to music. and i really really miss dancing. when i go home, i try to go see my old dance teachers. over christmas, i did a private lesson with one of them. and for 45 minutes, we laughed and danced and there was joy. i guess i still kind of dance.

my take

I'm not very good with words, but I have a definite opinion about what's happening on campus this week. I'm also not a very loud person, so this is the only place that my opinion is going to be heard. So I'm going to do my best to explain how I feel about all of this. Just stick with me :)

I have to say that I really have no problem with people wanting to share their stories. I think there is incredible power in being able to be open and honest with the things that we've experienced. I know that there are homosexual people that attend Harding University, just like I know that there are people who have sex with their heterosexual partners, those who choose to drink and do drugs, and those who struggle with gossip. Not one of these things is any worse than the other. I love it when people share their stories about their struggles. It brings people together. So the thought behind the zine sharing the stories of those at Harding who do struggle with homosexuality is completely legit. In fact, I think it's brilliant.

Here is where I have a problem. The stories were, in my opinion, unnecessarily profane. The images in the zine were of things that Harding makes a point to block from our internet access. Writers were taking the Lord's name in vain and, in fact, going so far as to essentially cuss Jesus out. I was uncomfortable reading several of the stories and was incredibly uncomfortable with the majority of the images within the zine. And so when I heard that Harding had blocked the website, I was not surprised...not because the content was unacceptable (as I said, I think the idea behind it was great), but because the way that they went about presenting the information was absolutely inappropriate. The language was vulgar and offensive. The images were unbelievably graphic. Anyone who thinks that the blocking of the website was strictly because of the fact that it was homosexual in nature is delusional. If a group of heterosexual people published something containing stories and images of the same magnitude, it would be blocked just as quickly.

Personally, I do not struggle with homosexuality, but I DO struggle with an incredible amount of things that are just as much of a sin, like lying, lust, gossip and judgement. I would NEVER claim that I was better than someone struggling with homosexuality. A sin is a sin is a sin is a sin. None is better or worse than another. Further, I am absolutely certain that Harding does not discriminate against homosexual acts. Students can not be kicked out of Harding for struggling with homosexuality. They CAN be kicked out for acting upon it. Page 11 in the handbook states that sexual immorality of ANY KIND is means for suspension. Homosexuality is one of those kinds. So is premarital sex, among many other things. If any student is caught engaged in an act of sexual immorality, they will be required to leave. So this thought that Harding is discriminating against homosexuals is absolutely false.

I can honestly say that I am proud of the way that Harding is handling this. It's disheartening to hear all of the backlash that the University is getting as a result. And that's all I have to say.

He's so good

"well, this is the address that i put into the gps. so assuming that i typed it in right, this is the house. but i'm not really sure."

"kevin. this is the right address! stop sitting here like a creep." i was. the silver car was taking up most of the road. it was angled towards the house, stopped so that i could see through the window.

"i see two girls in there. are there two girls?"

"like erin and her mom? i don't think there should be another girl here..."

"kevin, really. this is so weird. just park the car." and then she was there. stepping out the front door. walking towards my car. and i could have cried right then. i pulled the car into the driveway and opened the door. and then i was hugging her. it was so unreal.

it's amazing, the way that God works. earlier this week, i decided that i wanted to go to flower mound, texas this weekend to visit my aunt and my cousin. it was an open weekend and i haven't seen them in a few months. on friday, i was getting packed and ready to leave. i can't remember if i found it on facebook or on her blog. i saw somewhere that she was in dallas. or maybe she said denton. i can't remember now. but i knew she was close. so i sent her a message. and several hours later, i pulled up in front of her parents' house and got to hug her and talk with her and hear her voice and it was so great. it was so unexpected. we talked about gwen and her weekend with the hope mommies and school and stuff. and then the rest of her family got to the house and it was time for us to leave. we walked outside. she had my hope mommies shirt in her car, so we got it. and we hugged again for a long time and i told her some things and we both almost cried (okay fine. i forreal cried). it was so sweet to get to see my friend this weekend. God is so good to me.

the house

Remember the auction?

Remember how they were going to Michigan?

Well they did.

And now they're back.

It's a complicated story that I won't get into.

The bottom line is that they're back in the house.

And so a few weekends ago, I spent a night there with them.

We did laundry (everyone helped fold), ate chicken and rice and watched lots of really old tv shows that I only love when my Poppy is laughing in the chair next to me.

There were 2 envelopes in the mailbox. One for each to open. And there they were, on their porch in the beautiful January sun. They savored the unseasonably warm day and I got to watch. She loves that man, my Memaw does.

And there's such beauty in the quiet with them.

I took advantage of the quiet.

I took pictures of them.

Some wonderful neighbors stopped by.

Poppy got to hold little Autumn.

We all smiled, watching the two of them.

And then I left, promising to return soon.

Tuesday was my Poppy's birthday.

Autumn's mommy made him a homemade chocolate pie (his favorite).

He talks about her pies every day.

My grandparents are so precious.

it's not supposed to happen to the people i love

I jolted awake at 4:12 that morning. Before checking my phone, I prayed that there wouldn't be a text from her. There was. I hesitated for a moment before reading it, knowing that there would be no more rest after I knew. There were few words, but the message they held changed me. As the hot tears rolled down my cheeks, I lay my head on my pillow and closed my eyes. I could think of nothing to do but cry and pray.

8 months before that night, I had opened my facebook inbox to find this message from Erin.

Every conversation that E and I had started with "the question". Is there a baby yet? And so many times the answer had been no. But this time, it wasn't. This child was already so loved and wanted. I couldn't wait to meet the baby, hold the baby, spoil the baby.

The months that followed were exciting. We talked about baby names (I'm all about the baby names). They didn't find out what they were having, which was frustrating but fun. We talked about when I would visit and how she was about to be a mom. And then...

I was sitting on the couch at Danielle's house checking facebook for the thousandth time that day, hoping for news of the baby. I saw something about labor. I drafted a text, "is there a baby?!?!?!" And while I waited to hear, I noticed something on another friend's status about prayers and complications and my heart dropped. I read blogs...lots of them...about women who lose their babies. But it isn't supposed to happen to the women that I love.

I found Mandi in my phonebook quickly and called. She didn't answer. I went back to facebook, looking at everyones profile that I thought might have information. A few minutes later, Mandi called back. I couldn't possibly have been prepared for what I heard. Girl. No name. Heart stopped. Hospital. Emergency. Lots and lots of complications. As soon as I hung up with Mandi, I had a text from Erin. "Baby is here. Lots of complications. Please pray." And we did.

The next few days were so hard. I was so shaken by this turn of events, and it was so hard to think about what Erin was feeling and thinking. Baby didn't have a name until a day after she was born. Gwendolyn Hope. She was so beautiful. I cried and prayed and petitioned prayer from everyone I could think of. I asked Mandi to update me when she knew more.

And so on that night, I woke shortly after 4 in the morning to the text message that I had been praying would not come. At that moment, I could think of nothing but sweet Erin. This woman that has forever changed my life, who has loved be even (and especially) when I didn't deserve it and shown me God's love. I knew that she was broken. And I could do nothing.

Years earlier, I had woken to a call from Erin. I had asked (begged) to be the VERY FIRST PERSON that she called after Blair proposed. When my phone rang at 6 in the morning, I saw who it was and rolled back over. Whatever it was could wait. There was no way Blair had proposed since the last time I had talked to her the night before. She left a message. "Katie. You might want to call me back!" I could hear the smile in her voice. And sleep was no longer important. I called back immediately and we shrieked and celebrated and, on that morning, I could sleep no more from the excitement. My friend was getting married!

And at her wedding. It was so beautiful. And sweet little Brynn was so sick. She made it down the aisle, dropping flower petals as she walked. Soon after, she ran back and started throwing up. Poor thing. And when she threw up at the reception, I helped clean it up. And Erin knew how big of a deal that was because I HATE vomit. But I did it for her.

One night over Christmas break, my friend and I stayed up late talking and crying. I told her that I doodle her girl's name on my notes in class because she was here and she is so loved. We talked about how much it sucks. I couldn't wait to meet and hold her daughter. It feels like I've been waiting forever to hold her baby (I've wanted her to have a baby since she and Blair started dating). I love babies, you know (she does). We talked about her name and how perfect it is (I definitely approve). Whenever we talk about her daughter, we use present tense. Because Gwenny is still Erin's daughter. And Erin is still Gwen's mom.

I can't wait to get to Heaven. I would give anything to hold Gwenny on this Earth, but that wasn't God's plan. I don't understand. It doesn't make it hurt any less. But I know that Heaven will be that much sweeter because Erin will get to be with Gwen. And Gwen will get to introduce her mommy to Jesus.

In the days that followed Gwendolyn's death, my precious friend started a blog. It will make you cry. Really...don't read it without a box of kleenex. She's so real, you guys. I love her soooo much. And I can't wait to hug her neck in March.