December 24, 2010
October 9, 2010
the day a blank piece of paper made me want to cry
I was talking with a friend on Wednesday, she kind of blew my mind. She told me that even intentional sins are forgiven. And she showed me a blank piece of paper and told me that my God has purposeful amnesia. When He looks at me, He doesn't see all of the smudges from where He's erased mistakes. He doesn't even remember them. He just sees me as His beautiful daughter. And I wanted to cry.
October 2, 2010
the retreat
June 23, 2010
So first I had to leave school and I thought my world was ending. I mourned for a few days and then started looking for a job and a way to volunteer. A few weeks in, I e-mailed Karin and God answered prayers in ways I never could have imagined. I got to spend every day doing what I love. I had experiences that I never would have had at school. I gained the support and friendship of an entire staff of teachers and associates. I worked on projects, got an awesome summer job, and was connected with an incredible group of women. And what would I be doing now if I hadn't left? And so my testimony has changed. Because He is so good. And He is always in control...especially when I feel so completely out of control. And He never forgets and He never abandons and His timing is not always mine. But He is mighty and good and I am His.
I wrote that a few days after I started nannying this summer. Two weeks after the best semester of my life ended and two months before I had to return to this place. We had a retreat today. Delta Gamma Rho, Pi Theta Phi, Ju Go Ju and Zeta Rho. Two clubs that I am completely comfortable with and two clubs that I am completely intimidated by. It was so beautiful. We spent the first hour in worship. I almost cried. I closed my eyes and imagined that what I was hearing was what I will hear in Heaven. Beautiful voices. Lots of them. Daughters of the King coming together to praise Him. Crossing boundaries of clubs and cliques and dorms and ages to kneel before our Heavenly Father together. I felt Him in that place. We had lots of time to pray and reflect. Here is what he told me.
"I made you"
"You are Mine"
"You are beautiful"
"I love you"
"I am not disappointed"
"I am captivated by YOU"
Oh, how beautiful, to be whispered truths by my Heavenly Daddy. He calmed fears and insecurities and He spoke. It was the most overwhelming thing I've felt in a long time. He revealed things to me...convicted me. I make excuses. I live in fear. Every second of every day, I'm afraid of something. And I'm more concerned about judgement by those in this earth than the judgement I'll face at the end of this life.
One night last year, I went to a worship service and a friend came and whispered to me that she had something to share. She held my hands and told me of something that she had seen. I had been in a field, spinning with my arms open wide. Eyes closed, face to the sky, I spun and spun like a little girl. And I laughed. And there was sunshine. I cried when she shared that with me. It's what I long for. Freedom. Today while I was praying, God showed me what was missing from that image...Him. He was holding my hands and spinning with me, and when I got too dizzy to stand, He held me close until it passed. And He looked at me like I was the only girl in this world...the only thing that mattered. He watched me with a smile on His face and that twinge in His heart, like you get when you're watching someone that you love do something so precious. And it just kind of hit me...He loves me like that. He is jealous for me. He's been waiting for me for a long time. He's desired this relationship with me since before I was born. How incredible is that? Today was such a beautiful day.
So first I had to leave school and I thought my world was ending. I mourned for a few days and then started looking for a job and a way to volunteer. A few weeks in, I e-mailed Karin and God answered prayers in ways I never could have imagined. I got to spend every day doing what I love. I had experiences that I never would have had at school. I gained the support and friendship of an entire staff of teachers and associates. I worked on projects, got an awesome summer job, and was connected with an incredible group of women. And what would I be doing now if I hadn't left? And so my testimony has changed. Because He is so good. And He is always in control...especially when I feel so completely out of control. And He never forgets and He never abandons and His timing is not always mine. But He is mighty and good and I am His.
I wrote that a few days after I started nannying this summer. Two weeks after the best semester of my life ended and two months before I had to return to this place. We had a retreat today. Delta Gamma Rho, Pi Theta Phi, Ju Go Ju and Zeta Rho. Two clubs that I am completely comfortable with and two clubs that I am completely intimidated by. It was so beautiful. We spent the first hour in worship. I almost cried. I closed my eyes and imagined that what I was hearing was what I will hear in Heaven. Beautiful voices. Lots of them. Daughters of the King coming together to praise Him. Crossing boundaries of clubs and cliques and dorms and ages to kneel before our Heavenly Father together. I felt Him in that place. We had lots of time to pray and reflect. Here is what he told me.
"I made you"
"You are Mine"
"You are beautiful"
"I love you"
"I am not disappointed"
"I am captivated by YOU"
Oh, how beautiful, to be whispered truths by my Heavenly Daddy. He calmed fears and insecurities and He spoke. It was the most overwhelming thing I've felt in a long time. He revealed things to me...convicted me. I make excuses. I live in fear. Every second of every day, I'm afraid of something. And I'm more concerned about judgement by those in this earth than the judgement I'll face at the end of this life.
One night last year, I went to a worship service and a friend came and whispered to me that she had something to share. She held my hands and told me of something that she had seen. I had been in a field, spinning with my arms open wide. Eyes closed, face to the sky, I spun and spun like a little girl. And I laughed. And there was sunshine. I cried when she shared that with me. It's what I long for. Freedom. Today while I was praying, God showed me what was missing from that image...Him. He was holding my hands and spinning with me, and when I got too dizzy to stand, He held me close until it passed. And He looked at me like I was the only girl in this world...the only thing that mattered. He watched me with a smile on His face and that twinge in His heart, like you get when you're watching someone that you love do something so precious. And it just kind of hit me...He loves me like that. He is jealous for me. He's been waiting for me for a long time. He's desired this relationship with me since before I was born. How incredible is that? Today was such a beautiful day.
One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. Psalm 62: 11-12
September 5, 2010
I'm not sure if it was part of God's plan to come back. Let me rephrase. I'm not sure if God's only plan was for me to come back. I am sure that He is working, though. And I'm sure that he would have worked whether I had stayed in Chicago or gone to Dallas, too. Everything is different and beautiful and perfect. Not perfect. Sometimes pretty close, though. And sometimes I still get lonely. And sometimes the evil in my mind takes me to places I don't want to be. But God is always there, waiting to bring me back...waiting to forgive.
The first time I prayed and asked for forgiveness was a few months ago. In Ilona's living room, kneeling on a pillow next to my precious friend, eyes closed, hands folded, head bowed on couch. She went first. I was so intimidated. I didn't know where to start. But once I did, I couldn't stop. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced, to be free. I will never forget that moment.
I'm back, now. I'm still not sure it was the right choice, but it's the one I made and I thank God every day for showing Himself through this time. Like when I was able to stand up in front of my class on only the second day and give a presentation about myself. And when I don't have to get up in front of my Bible class to present current events. And when my teachers were so understanding when I told them about the anxiety and none of them have called on me in class without my hand raised. It's so beautiful to see God here. It's so beautiful to know that He would have been working if I had gone to Dallas, too.
Sometimes, it gets too dark in my room...too quiet. And I do get lonely and sad. And I do long for the laughter and joy that surrounded the past six months of my life. Those kids who made the situation bearable...and even worth it. Those kids who whined and cried every day and had snotty noses and untied shoes. Those kids who gave me hugs and drew me pictures and told me they loved me. I got up every morning for them. And sometimes it's still hard to get up and know that I don't get to see them. But someday, I'll get to be in the classroom again, this time as the forREALZ teacher. I can't wait for that day. And I'll get to see those kids every stinkin day. And I'll want to wring their necks, somedays. And I'll complain about them to anyone who will listen. And I'll have to deal with the psycho parents. And it'll all be so worth it. Tomorrow is Monday. I'll get up early for class. And when I start to complain about the work that I have to do, I'll open my Bible or either one of my agendas or any one of the pockets in my backpack and pull out a picture of those precious kids and remind myself that I'm here for them.
The first time I prayed and asked for forgiveness was a few months ago. In Ilona's living room, kneeling on a pillow next to my precious friend, eyes closed, hands folded, head bowed on couch. She went first. I was so intimidated. I didn't know where to start. But once I did, I couldn't stop. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced, to be free. I will never forget that moment.
I'm back, now. I'm still not sure it was the right choice, but it's the one I made and I thank God every day for showing Himself through this time. Like when I was able to stand up in front of my class on only the second day and give a presentation about myself. And when I don't have to get up in front of my Bible class to present current events. And when my teachers were so understanding when I told them about the anxiety and none of them have called on me in class without my hand raised. It's so beautiful to see God here. It's so beautiful to know that He would have been working if I had gone to Dallas, too.
Sometimes, it gets too dark in my room...too quiet. And I do get lonely and sad. And I do long for the laughter and joy that surrounded the past six months of my life. Those kids who made the situation bearable...and even worth it. Those kids who whined and cried every day and had snotty noses and untied shoes. Those kids who gave me hugs and drew me pictures and told me they loved me. I got up every morning for them. And sometimes it's still hard to get up and know that I don't get to see them. But someday, I'll get to be in the classroom again, this time as the forREALZ teacher. I can't wait for that day. And I'll get to see those kids every stinkin day. And I'll want to wring their necks, somedays. And I'll complain about them to anyone who will listen. And I'll have to deal with the psycho parents. And it'll all be so worth it. Tomorrow is Monday. I'll get up early for class. And when I start to complain about the work that I have to do, I'll open my Bible or either one of my agendas or any one of the pockets in my backpack and pull out a picture of those precious kids and remind myself that I'm here for them.
August 17, 2010
and now
Everything is different. It feels like a lifetime since the last time I set foot on this campus…in that room. That room that was mine. And I unpack in my new room, just across the hall, and I don’t remember the girl that lived there. I sit at my new desk, surrounded by pictures of the kids and projects that they made for me. Everything in this room shows growth. The pictures. The projects. The paintings. Everything is new. Everything is stronger and better. Everything points to the fact that I am finally ready for this. And that everything will be different. Praise God!
July 22, 2010
1000 Gifts
It all started with this. I found it one day. It wasn't a good day. And so on that day, rather than writing all the things that were wrong with me in my notebooks during class, I scribbled, as quickly as I could, the gifts that God had given me. I went home for fall break and bought a journal. A special one. And I started writing. Today, not quite a year later, I'm at 731. Sometimes, I mention specific people. Sometimes it's a feeling, an emotion, a memory. Sometimes it's a smell or an event. I think the word "laughter" must be in there at least 20 times.
1. The woman with toilet paper on her shoe
2. The perfect sunset on a heavy day
3. An empty seat next to me on the flight home
4. Singing in chapel on a day that went from bad to worse
5. Downtown service on Sunday nights
6. Grace like rain and rain to remind me
16. The smell of fall
17. Peach juice on my chin
21. Mail in my mailbox
22. An extra hour of sleep
41. Sunshine after a week of rain
42. Getting out of class early
43. naps
44. raspberry lemonade and goldfish
91. Picture books
92. Suckers in class
93. Days of rest
94. Quiet
95. Softball games
96. A dark sky full of the promise of rain
97. A package with cookies and nutella
98. Phone calls
99. Chapel every morning
143. This morning, we sang out of the song books. Jessie Spears gave an announcement and so did some Chinese girls. My day began with laughter
253. Education classes
254. A shower that drains
255. I prayed for friends. He answered in a big way
301. The only thing "rough" about rough night was not laughing
393. Apples and fall
394. Function dates and tacky sweaters
395. Smiling
396. Praises
397. Naps
398. Squirrels
399. Pies
400. Baking
401. Promises
413. 4 days in bed- being sick was worth it
572. There's one cotton plant left in the garden
573. The memories at that old house
574. Empty journal pages
575. Earth science will teach me patience
576. Learning to be still
583. Night
584. Days full of first grade and laughter
585. One month from the day I left, I'll be with them
586. Healing
587. Drowning in grace
588. Making decisions
589. Early march birds
676. Tutus
677. Dancing
Almost 1,000. It won't stop there. How could it? Every day, I am so blessed by Him and His presence. Luckily, I bought a pretty big journal...
1. The woman with toilet paper on her shoe
2. The perfect sunset on a heavy day
3. An empty seat next to me on the flight home
4. Singing in chapel on a day that went from bad to worse
5. Downtown service on Sunday nights
6. Grace like rain and rain to remind me
16. The smell of fall
17. Peach juice on my chin
21. Mail in my mailbox
22. An extra hour of sleep
41. Sunshine after a week of rain
42. Getting out of class early
43. naps
44. raspberry lemonade and goldfish
91. Picture books
92. Suckers in class
93. Days of rest
94. Quiet
95. Softball games
96. A dark sky full of the promise of rain
97. A package with cookies and nutella
98. Phone calls
99. Chapel every morning
143. This morning, we sang out of the song books. Jessie Spears gave an announcement and so did some Chinese girls. My day began with laughter
253. Education classes
254. A shower that drains
255. I prayed for friends. He answered in a big way
301. The only thing "rough" about rough night was not laughing
393. Apples and fall
394. Function dates and tacky sweaters
395. Smiling
396. Praises
397. Naps
398. Squirrels
399. Pies
400. Baking
401. Promises
413. 4 days in bed- being sick was worth it
572. There's one cotton plant left in the garden
573. The memories at that old house
574. Empty journal pages
575. Earth science will teach me patience
576. Learning to be still
583. Night
584. Days full of first grade and laughter
585. One month from the day I left, I'll be with them
586. Healing
587. Drowning in grace
588. Making decisions
589. Early march birds
676. Tutus
677. Dancing
Almost 1,000. It won't stop there. How could it? Every day, I am so blessed by Him and His presence. Luckily, I bought a pretty big journal...
July 20, 2010
i'm a fixer
by nature. i like
to fix things. i like
to be able to fix
things. not really things.
situations.
i'm in dallas
right now. and i
want to be able to fix
everything.
i also want
God
to send me some sort of sign
...
like maybe a letter
or something
...
letting me know where i
need to be in school in
august
(which is in less than a
month
...
not that i'm keeping track
or anything...).
searcy?
fort worth?
chicago?
i
just
don't
know.
and so i sit.
in a
situation
that is unfixable by me
and uncertain.
i am
heartbroken
and
confused.
i don't like
living in uncertainty.
it scares me.
so i could stay
here.
in dallas.
i could work
for my
aunt and play with
my baby.
or i could
go
back to searcy,
which is equally stressful and
scary and
overwhelming.
or i could
stay
in chicago with
my beautiful small group
and the support
of the teachers and students at
school.
they're all scary and
exciting
and they all sound
great. i want
to make all of
them work because they're
all so perfect in their own way.......
but i don't think any are
perfect
on their own.
so do i stay here?
or go back?
or stay there?
i
just
don't
know.
by nature. i like
to fix things. i like
to be able to fix
things. not really things.
situations.
i'm in dallas
right now. and i
want to be able to fix
everything.
i also want
God
to send me some sort of sign
...
like maybe a letter
or something
...
letting me know where i
need to be in school in
august
(which is in less than a
month
...
not that i'm keeping track
or anything...).
searcy?
fort worth?
chicago?
i
just
don't
know.
and so i sit.
in a
situation
that is unfixable by me
and uncertain.
i am
heartbroken
and
confused.
i don't like
living in uncertainty.
it scares me.
so i could stay
here.
in dallas.
i could work
for my
aunt and play with
my baby.
or i could
go
back to searcy,
which is equally stressful and
scary and
overwhelming.
or i could
stay
in chicago with
my beautiful small group
and the support
of the teachers and students at
school.
they're all scary and
exciting
and they all sound
great. i want
to make all of
them work because they're
all so perfect in their own way.......
but i don't think any are
perfect
on their own.
so do i stay here?
or go back?
or stay there?
i
just
don't
know.
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