He's so good

"well, this is the address that i put into the gps. so assuming that i typed it in right, this is the house. but i'm not really sure."

"kevin. this is the right address! stop sitting here like a creep." i was. the silver car was taking up most of the road. it was angled towards the house, stopped so that i could see through the window.

"i see two girls in there. are there two girls?"

"like erin and her mom? i don't think there should be another girl here..."

"kevin, really. this is so weird. just park the car." and then she was there. stepping out the front door. walking towards my car. and i could have cried right then. i pulled the car into the driveway and opened the door. and then i was hugging her. it was so unreal.

it's amazing, the way that God works. earlier this week, i decided that i wanted to go to flower mound, texas this weekend to visit my aunt and my cousin. it was an open weekend and i haven't seen them in a few months. on friday, i was getting packed and ready to leave. i can't remember if i found it on facebook or on her blog. i saw somewhere that she was in dallas. or maybe she said denton. i can't remember now. but i knew she was close. so i sent her a message. and several hours later, i pulled up in front of her parents' house and got to hug her and talk with her and hear her voice and it was so great. it was so unexpected. we talked about gwen and her weekend with the hope mommies and school and stuff. and then the rest of her family got to the house and it was time for us to leave. we walked outside. she had my hope mommies shirt in her car, so we got it. and we hugged again for a long time and i told her some things and we both almost cried (okay fine. i forreal cried). it was so sweet to get to see my friend this weekend. God is so good to me.

the house

Remember the auction?

Remember how they were going to Michigan?

Well they did.

And now they're back.

It's a complicated story that I won't get into.

The bottom line is that they're back in the house.

And so a few weekends ago, I spent a night there with them.

We did laundry (everyone helped fold), ate chicken and rice and watched lots of really old tv shows that I only love when my Poppy is laughing in the chair next to me.

There were 2 envelopes in the mailbox. One for each to open. And there they were, on their porch in the beautiful January sun. They savored the unseasonably warm day and I got to watch. She loves that man, my Memaw does.

And there's such beauty in the quiet with them.

I took advantage of the quiet.

I took pictures of them.

Some wonderful neighbors stopped by.

Poppy got to hold little Autumn.

We all smiled, watching the two of them.

And then I left, promising to return soon.

Tuesday was my Poppy's birthday.

Autumn's mommy made him a homemade chocolate pie (his favorite).

He talks about her pies every day.

My grandparents are so precious.

it's not supposed to happen to the people i love

I jolted awake at 4:12 that morning. Before checking my phone, I prayed that there wouldn't be a text from her. There was. I hesitated for a moment before reading it, knowing that there would be no more rest after I knew. There were few words, but the message they held changed me. As the hot tears rolled down my cheeks, I lay my head on my pillow and closed my eyes. I could think of nothing to do but cry and pray.

8 months before that night, I had opened my facebook inbox to find this message from Erin.

Every conversation that E and I had started with "the question". Is there a baby yet? And so many times the answer had been no. But this time, it wasn't. This child was already so loved and wanted. I couldn't wait to meet the baby, hold the baby, spoil the baby.

The months that followed were exciting. We talked about baby names (I'm all about the baby names). They didn't find out what they were having, which was frustrating but fun. We talked about when I would visit and how she was about to be a mom. And then...

I was sitting on the couch at Danielle's house checking facebook for the thousandth time that day, hoping for news of the baby. I saw something about labor. I drafted a text, "is there a baby?!?!?!" And while I waited to hear, I noticed something on another friend's status about prayers and complications and my heart dropped. I read blogs...lots of them...about women who lose their babies. But it isn't supposed to happen to the women that I love.

I found Mandi in my phonebook quickly and called. She didn't answer. I went back to facebook, looking at everyones profile that I thought might have information. A few minutes later, Mandi called back. I couldn't possibly have been prepared for what I heard. Girl. No name. Heart stopped. Hospital. Emergency. Lots and lots of complications. As soon as I hung up with Mandi, I had a text from Erin. "Baby is here. Lots of complications. Please pray." And we did.

The next few days were so hard. I was so shaken by this turn of events, and it was so hard to think about what Erin was feeling and thinking. Baby didn't have a name until a day after she was born. Gwendolyn Hope. She was so beautiful. I cried and prayed and petitioned prayer from everyone I could think of. I asked Mandi to update me when she knew more.

And so on that night, I woke shortly after 4 in the morning to the text message that I had been praying would not come. At that moment, I could think of nothing but sweet Erin. This woman that has forever changed my life, who has loved be even (and especially) when I didn't deserve it and shown me God's love. I knew that she was broken. And I could do nothing.

Years earlier, I had woken to a call from Erin. I had asked (begged) to be the VERY FIRST PERSON that she called after Blair proposed. When my phone rang at 6 in the morning, I saw who it was and rolled back over. Whatever it was could wait. There was no way Blair had proposed since the last time I had talked to her the night before. She left a message. "Katie. You might want to call me back!" I could hear the smile in her voice. And sleep was no longer important. I called back immediately and we shrieked and celebrated and, on that morning, I could sleep no more from the excitement. My friend was getting married!

And at her wedding. It was so beautiful. And sweet little Brynn was so sick. She made it down the aisle, dropping flower petals as she walked. Soon after, she ran back and started throwing up. Poor thing. And when she threw up at the reception, I helped clean it up. And Erin knew how big of a deal that was because I HATE vomit. But I did it for her.

One night over Christmas break, my friend and I stayed up late talking and crying. I told her that I doodle her girl's name on my notes in class because she was here and she is so loved. We talked about how much it sucks. I couldn't wait to meet and hold her daughter. It feels like I've been waiting forever to hold her baby (I've wanted her to have a baby since she and Blair started dating). I love babies, you know (she does). We talked about her name and how perfect it is (I definitely approve). Whenever we talk about her daughter, we use present tense. Because Gwenny is still Erin's daughter. And Erin is still Gwen's mom.

I can't wait to get to Heaven. I would give anything to hold Gwenny on this Earth, but that wasn't God's plan. I don't understand. It doesn't make it hurt any less. But I know that Heaven will be that much sweeter because Erin will get to be with Gwen. And Gwen will get to introduce her mommy to Jesus.

In the days that followed Gwendolyn's death, my precious friend started a blog. It will make you cry. Really...don't read it without a box of kleenex. She's so real, you guys. I love her soooo much. And I can't wait to hug her neck in March.

new

Last night, I had 14 girls over for dinner. I cooked chicken tacos and made a taco buffet and there was eating and laughter and Golden Globe watching. And after the show ended, I headed to Walmart with two of my sweet friends. And we laughed a lot. I got home and put my things away. I got ready for bed at my new sink. And then I came into my own room, locked the door, and crawled into my bed. I looked around this room and thanked God for the new. This semester is a new start. I love that. My room is new. And I love it. I have a kitchen. It's so perfect. And the girls I live with are so laid back. I'm usually so intimidated by new. And really I was this time, too. Until last night when I snuggled under my covers and listened to the sounds of this new home. And this morning, I woke to the laughter of the rest of my suite. My immediate reaction was annoyance...until I realized how much of a blessing it was. And I am so thankful for the new.

Tomorrow I get to start my classes. I love school. I love classes. And I get to buy my new books. I love that, too. I'm starting this semester so happy and at peace and I am so thankful for that, too.

Here's a sneak peak at my new digs. I'm not quite finished decorating, but you get the idea :) LOVE IT!

Christmas Eve

the day a blank piece of paper made me want to cry

I was talking with a friend on Wednesday, she kind of blew my mind. She told me that even intentional sins are forgiven. And she showed me a blank piece of paper and told me that my God has purposeful amnesia. When He looks at me, He doesn't see all of the smudges from where He's erased mistakes. He doesn't even remember them. He just sees me as His beautiful daughter. And I wanted to cry.

the retreat

June 23, 2010
So first I had to leave school and I thought my world was ending. I mourned for a few days and then started looking for a job and a way to volunteer. A few weeks in, I e-mailed Karin and God answered prayers in ways I never could have imagined. I got to spend every day doing what I love. I had experiences that I never would have had at school. I gained the support and friendship of an entire staff of teachers and associates. I worked on projects, got an awesome summer job, and was connected with an incredible group of women. And what would I be doing now if I hadn't left? And so my testimony has changed. Because He is so good. And He is always in control...especially when I feel so completely out of control. And He never forgets and He never abandons and His timing is not always mine. But He is mighty and good and I am His.

I wrote that a few days after I started nannying this summer. Two weeks after the best semester of my life ended and two months before I had to return to this place. We had a retreat today. Delta Gamma Rho, Pi Theta Phi, Ju Go Ju and Zeta Rho. Two clubs that I am completely comfortable with and two clubs that I am completely intimidated by. It was so beautiful. We spent the first hour in worship. I almost cried. I closed my eyes and imagined that what I was hearing was what I will hear in Heaven. Beautiful voices. Lots of them. Daughters of the King coming together to praise Him. Crossing boundaries of clubs and cliques and dorms and ages to kneel before our Heavenly Father together. I felt Him in that place. We had lots of time to pray and reflect. Here is what he told me.

"I made you"
"You are Mine"
"You are beautiful"
"I love you"
"I am not disappointed"
"I am captivated by YOU"

Oh, how beautiful, to be whispered truths by my Heavenly Daddy. He calmed fears and insecurities and He spoke. It was the most overwhelming thing I've felt in a long time. He revealed things to me...convicted me. I make excuses. I live in fear. Every second of every day, I'm afraid of something. And I'm more concerned about judgement by those in this earth than the judgement I'll face at the end of this life.

One night last year, I went to a worship service and a friend came and whispered to me that she had something to share. She held my hands and told me of something that she had seen. I had been in a field, spinning with my arms open wide. Eyes closed, face to the sky, I spun and spun like a little girl. And I laughed. And there was sunshine. I cried when she shared that with me. It's what I long for. Freedom. Today while I was praying, God showed me what was missing from that image...Him. He was holding my hands and spinning with me, and when I got too dizzy to stand, He held me close until it passed. And He looked at me like I was the only girl in this world...the only thing that mattered. He watched me with a smile on His face and that twinge in His heart, like you get when you're watching someone that you love do something so precious. And it just kind of hit me...He loves me like that. He is jealous for me. He's been waiting for me for a long time. He's desired this relationship with me since before I was born. How incredible is that? Today was such a beautiful day.

One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. Psalm 62: 11-12